Silent thank you's

Today I climbed a mountain, it was tough, so tough that I almost thought I would break down and cry. I started off optimistic. This mountain was going to make me happy when I got to the top. I knew that I would be proud of myself for making it to see the beautiful view. I start walking and I smile because I am taking care of myself. I am taking care of my health and getting my life into shape.

I start to hit an incline, how did I run up this incline the last time, because now it feels like there is hell fire in my lungs. I start to feel the pressure on my chest. I start to feel the invisible tank of a man that has his huge hand on my chest and is pushing me away with every step I take forward. I start to feel the enormous lump forming in my throat that tells me I cannot do this without crying like child. I start to tear up, I start to chastise myself for making this terrible mistake, I start to wonder if I will ever choose to get fit again when this feels like the worst torture. My face is going red. The jolly faces running down the mountain look to me with glowing faces and they smile, they are happy. I want to get to the top so that I can run down with a glowing face and be happy.

I start to think of you. You lived in Cape Town all your life and never went up this mountain. If you knew what the view was like, you would probably have painted it in beautiful colours. If you knew how beautiful the world was around you, you would have left your house more. Your chance is over now. You never got to see me in my graduation gown, you never saw me drive a car, you never saw me get my first A on a paper and you never saw me start my career in my new job. Now I am crying for real, there is no mistiness in my eyes, there are full waterfalls flooding down my cheeks. My face is glowing, but with little snail trails of tears for all that I never had with you.

I start to think how I have lived my life so far. I have read wasteful books even when they have brought me no joy. I have not started the job I ever wanted to start. I write less, I smile less, I dance less and I drink more. I am not content, when that is all I would really like to be. I want to live a life that you would be proud of. I want to accomplish great things. I want to go out with a bang, with my grandkids admiring me, with my dancing shoes on and a smile in my heart. When you left, I promised I would live the life that would make you proud. I promised that I would leave an imprint on the world when I left it.

I start to think to myself how lazy I have been. How I have used a myriad of excuses and all they have been is one conjunctive cop out. I decide that I will stop being lazy and step by painful step I make it up that mountain. I don’t make it to the top, but the view from where I am is beautiful. I smile to myself and think that I am no longer lazy. That I am smiling from within me for the first time since you left. I will be the bright girl you knew I would be. I will climb that mountain more often until I can reach the top. I owe a lot of good in my life to you. Every step I take will be a silent thank you to you. Every story I write will be for you. Every moment I have on this earth will be a life well lived because of you.