In the past week, I have had to learn a great deal about letting go. I have had to learn that some circumstances, no matter how happy we think they make us, are really just tearing us apart.
I have to take a hard look at myself and where I want to be and had a huge realisation that I am nowhere near that goal. I soon found that there are a lot of things I am holding on to that are not helping me move on with my life. From that 10 year old diary that has the mutterings of a 15 year old to that book I bought on sale for R15 that I am never going to read! I think I have read more pages of my 15 year old diary than I ever did of that book. I read through the pages of this diary and realised that although my ability to write had improved (thank the gods for that!), my ability to let go of negative emotions had not improved one bit. I still have nightmares about the same things, I still resent the same bad points in my life and I still feel the same negative way about my self.
I always thought that being a highly emotional being was an added bonus, a gift from God and something to be cherished. Now I realise a gift is only a gift when you master control over it. I let other people's emotions and other people's stories control me and I let this all get into my head and affect how I feel. I let your story of your house flooding influence how I am going to feel when my house floods. I am a learner, not a pioneer. It saddened me to admit that. It hurt me to think about my gifts and how I had let them master me instead of me being the master. I realised this week that something needed to give. I needed to learn to let go of the things that did not affect me, let go of the things that were affecting me way too much and let go of the negative thoughts that I have been housing in my head since I was a little girl.
I am still learning, day by day I have to tell myself that this is the way forward for me. I need to look ahead and not look back. I know that sometimes letting go is the absolute sign of strength. It is not giving up, it is not sighing into the sunset and hoping for better days, it is having the wisdom to decide what is worth sighing over and what needs to be thrown into the ocean and never given another moment's thought.
Sadly, this has meant letting go of people that meant the world to me. I realised that they were dragging me down and distracting me from realising my true potential. I am not cut throat and I am not harsh. I am just choosing to put my sanity above my love for you. I started to think about the thin line between determination and desperation. Praying day in and day out that the person will change and that they will let go of the their hurt. Praying every day that they will choose to get better and not wallow in the past. Praying every day that they will catch a wake up call and realise the people that were with them all along are the people that matter. A sure sign of madness is doing the same thing every day and getting the same result when all you want is something different. That is when desperation sets in. When you drive yourself insane for this person's happiness. When you lend yourself to the fancies of another human being when it goes against every grain of your own wishes, wants and desires. You might think that you are hanging in there with the determination of a ox but you are just a stubborn mule who cannot see how desperate they look.
Sometimes letting go is really loving. Truly understanding that this is not what you are meant to have in life. You were not meant to have it. It is sometimes as simple and as complex as that. I know now that I was not meant to have you, just like some people were not meant to have me and that is why they let me go. I can choose to be hurt about it or I can choose to do better with the next person. I chose to selfishly focus on myself just like you chose to selfishly do that first. I don't blame you, I don't begrudge you and I don't hurt from you. I learn from you. I take control and I take one step forward at a time until looking back is not even a finite option. Look at you, look how much better you are without me making you love me. Look how much better we are at this distance thing than we thought. Maybe one day we will reconnect, maybe one day our souls will match up like jigsaw pieces again but if today is not that day, I am going to muster up the courage to say, "Not today". I have done so much for everyone else that the only logical step now is to stop, take a well deserved break and fix myself. Maybe someone will even come along and help me fix myself but I am never going to pay attention to them if I am putting my focus into someone else.
So now it is time for me. Time for the self. Time for letting go.
Thursday 22 May 2014
Thursday 16 January 2014
10 Things Your Single Friends are Tired of Hearing - My Rebuttal
Fueled by a post by Constantly Effed, I decided to write a reply to all of you single folk about why we say the things we do and what irritates us about the things that you say about being single.
1.“You’ll find it when you aren’t looking!”
Guess what? Sometimes it really does happen when you stop trying so hard to look for it! I spent a year pining away for what my friends had. I would whinge and whine about not finding the perfect thing for me and as soon as I accepted that it wasn't going to happen, I was rolling in offers from every Tom, Dick and Harry. It isn't a set thing that it will come when you aren't looking for it, but sometimes when you start making other things your priority, an opportunity for a relationship will sneak up and surprise you and this is the best way for it to happen! No one wants to plan love, sometimes the best love is the love that falls out of the sky and bowls you over.
2. “You can’t be happy in a relationship unless you’re happy with yourself first.”
This may annoy you, but it is true. How can you give everything of yourself to someone without knowing solidly who you are first? You will never be happy in a relationship until you learn to love yourself more and learn exactly what you deserve and what you can do without. Sometimes this is learned through trial and error but sometimes when you learn all of this before you get into a relationship...this is when you have the perfect relationship, because you know what you deserve and therefore what you want out of a relationship.
3. “You’re still young, you have all the time in the world.”
If someone is saying this to you, it means you ARE young and you DO have all of the time in the world. What is the point in wasting your time in a relationship when it could be going nowhere? Get out, live a little and if you are lucky you will find the person that completely suits you. This may be the person who is just as much of an adrenaline junkie as you are. You may find your person while you are busy finding yourself and then GOOD FOR YOU. But if you haven't found your person yet, then it really does mean that you have more time to do shit for yourself. I do agree with you on one thing, age has nothing to do it, it is about you being ready or not.
4. “You deserve someone who wants to give you everything.”
If someone is saying this to you, then it means that they think you deserve everything. They are not saying it to make you feel better, they are saying it because they think you are incredibly special and they want you to have the world. If we could give you what you want and make you happy then we would but we can't so all we can say is this pissy sentiment that you DO deserve better than you have ever got and hopefully one day it will sink in and you will look for a person who can give you everything.
5. “You’re looking in the wrong places.”
Ok, you are allowed to be mad at this one. I have no excuse for the idiot who can say anything above and says this instead.
6. "You should try online dating!”
We are basically saying that you should try anything other than sit on our couch and whine that you are single and don't want to be. We are trying to give you solutions to your predicament, we are not trying to piss you off. We just don't know if this is an avenue you have tried yet and don't knock it til you try it.
7. “You’re too picky.”
Like I said for number 5, this person is an idiot, and probably not your friend. So do yourself a favour and stop talking to them about your relationship woes.
8. “Oh hey, but also, never settle.”
NEVER SETTLE! Never ever settle for anything less than anything that will make you absolutely and completely happy. You deserve to be perfectly happy. You deserve to reach for the stars and have them come to you. You deserve the sun and the moon and the stars and the person that you deserve will think that you are their sun and moon and stars. Never f**king settle.
9. “You need to put yourself out there more.”
We are saying that you are quiet, we are saying that when we all go out, you sit there and talk to us. We are saying that when the bartender says "It's on the house" and winks, all you do is walk away and say, "Score, free drink!". We are saying that your ideal night out is game night with all of your couple friends and this is not going to change your life in the way that you want it to. Listen, accept and adapt people! Get out more, make some single friends, talk to strangers (not creepy strangers) and find people that interest you.
10. “I’m Engaged!”
Be happy for me you sourpuss. Otherwise you aren't really my friend either.
1.“You’ll find it when you aren’t looking!”
Guess what? Sometimes it really does happen when you stop trying so hard to look for it! I spent a year pining away for what my friends had. I would whinge and whine about not finding the perfect thing for me and as soon as I accepted that it wasn't going to happen, I was rolling in offers from every Tom, Dick and Harry. It isn't a set thing that it will come when you aren't looking for it, but sometimes when you start making other things your priority, an opportunity for a relationship will sneak up and surprise you and this is the best way for it to happen! No one wants to plan love, sometimes the best love is the love that falls out of the sky and bowls you over.
2. “You can’t be happy in a relationship unless you’re happy with yourself first.”
This may annoy you, but it is true. How can you give everything of yourself to someone without knowing solidly who you are first? You will never be happy in a relationship until you learn to love yourself more and learn exactly what you deserve and what you can do without. Sometimes this is learned through trial and error but sometimes when you learn all of this before you get into a relationship...this is when you have the perfect relationship, because you know what you deserve and therefore what you want out of a relationship.
3. “You’re still young, you have all the time in the world.”
If someone is saying this to you, it means you ARE young and you DO have all of the time in the world. What is the point in wasting your time in a relationship when it could be going nowhere? Get out, live a little and if you are lucky you will find the person that completely suits you. This may be the person who is just as much of an adrenaline junkie as you are. You may find your person while you are busy finding yourself and then GOOD FOR YOU. But if you haven't found your person yet, then it really does mean that you have more time to do shit for yourself. I do agree with you on one thing, age has nothing to do it, it is about you being ready or not.
4. “You deserve someone who wants to give you everything.”
If someone is saying this to you, then it means that they think you deserve everything. They are not saying it to make you feel better, they are saying it because they think you are incredibly special and they want you to have the world. If we could give you what you want and make you happy then we would but we can't so all we can say is this pissy sentiment that you DO deserve better than you have ever got and hopefully one day it will sink in and you will look for a person who can give you everything.
5. “You’re looking in the wrong places.”
Ok, you are allowed to be mad at this one. I have no excuse for the idiot who can say anything above and says this instead.
6. "You should try online dating!”
We are basically saying that you should try anything other than sit on our couch and whine that you are single and don't want to be. We are trying to give you solutions to your predicament, we are not trying to piss you off. We just don't know if this is an avenue you have tried yet and don't knock it til you try it.
7. “You’re too picky.”
Like I said for number 5, this person is an idiot, and probably not your friend. So do yourself a favour and stop talking to them about your relationship woes.
8. “Oh hey, but also, never settle.”
NEVER SETTLE! Never ever settle for anything less than anything that will make you absolutely and completely happy. You deserve to be perfectly happy. You deserve to reach for the stars and have them come to you. You deserve the sun and the moon and the stars and the person that you deserve will think that you are their sun and moon and stars. Never f**king settle.
9. “You need to put yourself out there more.”
We are saying that you are quiet, we are saying that when we all go out, you sit there and talk to us. We are saying that when the bartender says "It's on the house" and winks, all you do is walk away and say, "Score, free drink!". We are saying that your ideal night out is game night with all of your couple friends and this is not going to change your life in the way that you want it to. Listen, accept and adapt people! Get out more, make some single friends, talk to strangers (not creepy strangers) and find people that interest you.
10. “I’m Engaged!”
Be happy for me you sourpuss. Otherwise you aren't really my friend either.
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