In the past week, I have had to learn a great deal about letting go. I have had to learn that some circumstances, no matter how happy we think they make us, are really just tearing us apart.
I have to take a hard look at myself and where I want to be and had a huge realisation that I am nowhere near that goal. I soon found that there are a lot of things I am holding on to that are not helping me move on with my life. From that 10 year old diary that has the mutterings of a 15 year old to that book I bought on sale for R15 that I am never going to read! I think I have read more pages of my 15 year old diary than I ever did of that book. I read through the pages of this diary and realised that although my ability to write had improved (thank the gods for that!), my ability to let go of negative emotions had not improved one bit. I still have nightmares about the same things, I still resent the same bad points in my life and I still feel the same negative way about my self.
I always thought that being a highly emotional being was an added bonus, a gift from God and something to be cherished. Now I realise a gift is only a gift when you master control over it. I let other people's emotions and other people's stories control me and I let this all get into my head and affect how I feel. I let your story of your house flooding influence how I am going to feel when my house floods. I am a learner, not a pioneer. It saddened me to admit that. It hurt me to think about my gifts and how I had let them master me instead of me being the master. I realised this week that something needed to give. I needed to learn to let go of the things that did not affect me, let go of the things that were affecting me way too much and let go of the negative thoughts that I have been housing in my head since I was a little girl.
I am still learning, day by day I have to tell myself that this is the way forward for me. I need to look ahead and not look back. I know that sometimes letting go is the absolute sign of strength. It is not giving up, it is not sighing into the sunset and hoping for better days, it is having the wisdom to decide what is worth sighing over and what needs to be thrown into the ocean and never given another moment's thought.
Sadly, this has meant letting go of people that meant the world to me. I realised that they were dragging me down and distracting me from realising my true potential. I am not cut throat and I am not harsh. I am just choosing to put my sanity above my love for you. I started to think about the thin line between determination and desperation. Praying day in and day out that the person will change and that they will let go of the their hurt. Praying every day that they will choose to get better and not wallow in the past. Praying every day that they will catch a wake up call and realise the people that were with them all along are the people that matter. A sure sign of madness is doing the same thing every day and getting the same result when all you want is something different. That is when desperation sets in. When you drive yourself insane for this person's happiness. When you lend yourself to the fancies of another human being when it goes against every grain of your own wishes, wants and desires. You might think that you are hanging in there with the determination of a ox but you are just a stubborn mule who cannot see how desperate they look.
Sometimes letting go is really loving. Truly understanding that this is not what you are meant to have in life. You were not meant to have it. It is sometimes as simple and as complex as that. I know now that I was not meant to have you, just like some people were not meant to have me and that is why they let me go. I can choose to be hurt about it or I can choose to do better with the next person. I chose to selfishly focus on myself just like you chose to selfishly do that first. I don't blame you, I don't begrudge you and I don't hurt from you. I learn from you. I take control and I take one step forward at a time until looking back is not even a finite option. Look at you, look how much better you are without me making you love me. Look how much better we are at this distance thing than we thought. Maybe one day we will reconnect, maybe one day our souls will match up like jigsaw pieces again but if today is not that day, I am going to muster up the courage to say, "Not today". I have done so much for everyone else that the only logical step now is to stop, take a well deserved break and fix myself. Maybe someone will even come along and help me fix myself but I am never going to pay attention to them if I am putting my focus into someone else.
So now it is time for me. Time for the self. Time for letting go.
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