Silent thank you's

Today I climbed a mountain, it was tough, so tough that I almost thought I would break down and cry. I started off optimistic. This mountain was going to make me happy when I got to the top. I knew that I would be proud of myself for making it to see the beautiful view. I start walking and I smile because I am taking care of myself. I am taking care of my health and getting my life into shape.

I start to hit an incline, how did I run up this incline the last time, because now it feels like there is hell fire in my lungs. I start to feel the pressure on my chest. I start to feel the invisible tank of a man that has his huge hand on my chest and is pushing me away with every step I take forward. I start to feel the enormous lump forming in my throat that tells me I cannot do this without crying like child. I start to tear up, I start to chastise myself for making this terrible mistake, I start to wonder if I will ever choose to get fit again when this feels like the worst torture. My face is going red. The jolly faces running down the mountain look to me with glowing faces and they smile, they are happy. I want to get to the top so that I can run down with a glowing face and be happy.

I start to think of you. You lived in Cape Town all your life and never went up this mountain. If you knew what the view was like, you would probably have painted it in beautiful colours. If you knew how beautiful the world was around you, you would have left your house more. Your chance is over now. You never got to see me in my graduation gown, you never saw me drive a car, you never saw me get my first A on a paper and you never saw me start my career in my new job. Now I am crying for real, there is no mistiness in my eyes, there are full waterfalls flooding down my cheeks. My face is glowing, but with little snail trails of tears for all that I never had with you.

I start to think how I have lived my life so far. I have read wasteful books even when they have brought me no joy. I have not started the job I ever wanted to start. I write less, I smile less, I dance less and I drink more. I am not content, when that is all I would really like to be. I want to live a life that you would be proud of. I want to accomplish great things. I want to go out with a bang, with my grandkids admiring me, with my dancing shoes on and a smile in my heart. When you left, I promised I would live the life that would make you proud. I promised that I would leave an imprint on the world when I left it.

I start to think to myself how lazy I have been. How I have used a myriad of excuses and all they have been is one conjunctive cop out. I decide that I will stop being lazy and step by painful step I make it up that mountain. I don’t make it to the top, but the view from where I am is beautiful. I smile to myself and think that I am no longer lazy. That I am smiling from within me for the first time since you left. I will be the bright girl you knew I would be. I will climb that mountain more often until I can reach the top. I owe a lot of good in my life to you. Every step I take will be a silent thank you to you. Every story I write will be for you. Every moment I have on this earth will be a life well lived because of you.

I didn’t just break your heart, I broke mine too…

Most people have gone through a completely devastating break up at least once in their lives. Most people see the person doing the act as the devil, the person who broke their heart and the person who they will never trust. If we all take a minute to think about how we would feel if we had to break someone’s heart, would we not think it through? Would you not agonise over it and think about which way to do it would be best for everyone? If your answer to any of the previous questions are a big and resounding “YES!”, then what makes you think your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend didn’t think it through the same way?

I am not excusing the people who choose to end it over SMS or in a public space. I am not excusing those who end it because they are cheating on you. I am not excusing anyone who ever makes you feel worse about yourself. When they are dong it under normal circumstances, they may be breaking your heart, but they are probably breaking their heart too. Unless they never cared about you at all, the sight of you hurting will evoke sadness in their hearts.

Many people go through life with a one sided view of everything. We walk through our story with the mentality that is only our view and there is no other option. What were to happen if we looked at the other side of the card, we would see a person who we care about, breaking apart just as much as we are. We could think about how long they have been agonising over this, how long they have drawn out this already dead relationship, how much thought they put into the action of tearing both of your lives apart. How are we to know that they aren’t just as devastated by the loss of their love for you? Who are we to call them names when we could have easily been in their shoes at some point?

We excuse ourselves from so many horrible things that we do not excuse others. You must not smoke, it is a filthy habit but I smoke a 40 pack a day. You should really exercise if you want to live longer but I only walk up the stairs to my bed every night after work. You should really try to eat better but I am hiding the discarded takeaway packets in my trashcan. We all excuse ourselves from doing something that we are not proud of. Why can’t we take a look at the habits of others and see if we can excuse them for once?

Next time you are in the unfortunate situation of being dumped, do not act like a tyrant, do not think of them as pure evil and do not throw your toys out the cot. See them as the love you once knew, the love you never wanted to see hurt and the love who is as blue as you are at the death of your union. Maybe the tolerance of their feelings will help ease your own, knowing you are not alone always helps with sadness. Understand that you are not ever alone. There is always the other person who is just as broken as you are.

Shake it off...

Inspired by the song “Shake it out” so elegantly sung by Florence and the Machines, I decided to truly think about what the song could mean to a singular person. Despite being a very catchy song, it has a depth of meaning that anyone could learn from.

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back

So shake him off

 We all go through some form of struggle at some point in our lives and wonder how we will ever make it through. We all have demons that we wish we could run from, that we wish we could shake off. What stops us from shaking the devil off our back? Is it that we are standing too close to the forest for us to see the trees? Are we scared of what we might find when we start to tackle our problems? Or is it just plain laziness? Is it a lack of energy to make our lives better for ourselves?

This inspiring song emphasises how one’s problems will never magically disappear. It speaks of how one has to expel some form of energy to get to a happy place. Shake it off, dance it off, smile the sadness away and most importantly you have to be the change that you want in your life. The poison in your life will not dissipate unless you make the conscious effort to suck it out. Humans tend to feel sorry for themselves when something terrible happens, instead of focusing on how much they have grown from each struggle they have been through. The secret is to look at everything like a daring adventure or a puzzle that you have to set right. You can look at yourself as someone who is affected by change or you can look at yourself as someone, who implements change for the better, and does so in a constant manner.

So the real questions is…how do you choose to shake it out today?

Psychobabble

The other day my friend came over to my house and needed to vent. She spoke about how broken she was feeling. Her hurt was due to a bad breakup. She had taken steps to move on with her life after ending her relationship and her problem was not even with her ex-boyfriend. Her problem was that her three best friends had chosen to stay his friend and to let her go. I have never personally been in this situation and I do not know how heart sore I would be had it happened to me but it really made me think of how the female psyche works. How we are willing to drop a friend for any small fallout because they are just “too much drama.” This is a post about females, for females and aimed at females. I wonder if anyone could relate to what I am about to say. I wonder if it will just be seen as sexist psychobabble.

From personal experience when a man cheats on a woman, the “other” woman ends up being hated. The boyfriend is sometimes even forgiven and the incident is forgotten. The girl gets the brunt of the anger and frustration, labelled a “home-wrecker” or more colourful curse words. I started to think about this in a more general view. Why do girls fight with their female friends more than their male friends? Why do we choose to be so hard on the fairer sex when we are meant to all be sisters in arms? I think that is the reason why…we are meant to be sisters.

Men are conditioned to act a certain way and therefore we have a completely different set of ideals and expectations for men. Women are conditioned to be compassionate and caring, this means we expect more in the way of emotions from them. We expect more from our sisters. When they act in a way that is not compassionate and not caring, when they fling themselves around at every man they see and when they disrespect their own sisterhood, there will always be complete and utter disappointment because they are not following the rules that we are all conditioned to believe is the right set of rules. If my girl friend hurts my feelings, it becomes a harsher betrayal in my mind than if a stranger had done it. She should have known that it would hurt me, she should have looked into her heart and realised it would hurt me and she should have changed her actions. Are females not all born with the maternal instinct to care for and love their fellow human beings? I have always taken pride in my compassionate nature and how well I look after people when they are in need. I think that this is why I get so upset when my fellow humans do not treat me in the same way. I expect to get what I give and when I am not given the same treatment it is devastating to me. This is made worse when it is a friend you have grown up with because there has to be a reason you have never neglected each other before.

I guess the real question to ask is if we, as females, are irrational for thinking this way? Are we irrational for teaching our daughters and our granddaughters to love their fellows as we do? Are we doing right by the world when we condition the future generations to have the same ideals that we put upon ourselves? Should we really just treat both sexes as equals, and in this case, which way would we sway? Would we let women off more easy or would men be cast out for the same level of hurt that women are?

I feel like there is a reason why we are all so different, from our physical being to our emotional being, there will always be a difference. Why does it hurt more when a female wrongs you than a male? I do not know, I do not have a direct line into the female brain and even my own brain confuses me sometimes. What I do know is that anything you feel is down to what you want to feel. There is no tiny monster in your head feeding you these thoughts. If you want to forgive then you will forgive. If you want to hold a grudge then it will always stay with you, clinging to you like glue, and dragging you down. If you decide to follow tradition and have different standards for different sexes then there will be times that become confusing for you. If you choose to see all humans as the same and expect the to all treat you the same then there will be times filled with disappointment. If you choose to forgive, no matter what sex wrongs you, no matter how bad they wronged you, you will be a lot lighter and always looking forward. It is easy to forgive your enemies if you try a little bit harder, just do not forget what they did and take on the world with your eyes wide open.

I hereby declare that...

I recently became a godmother to a beautiful little African goddess. When I was asked to be a godmother, I had to think long and hard about the decision to take this little life on. In this day and age, it is something that is taken for granted and people are privileged to call themselves the godmother but don’t really think about the consequences of taking the role on. I knew I had to think about it thoroughly because I am at the point in my life where I don’t even want my own children.  I thought about it long and hard and I knew that I was definitely ready for the responsibilities of being a godmother to this beautiful baby. It was a big milestone for me; and a show of great trust from my friend.

Throughout the pregnancy we spoke all about the day when this beautiful baby would grace this earth. I threw her a kick-ass baby shower and got her the most amazing gifts. I wanted to see all of the scans and hear all the news. I even wanted to touch her belly when the baby was kicking (and this is something I made an oath NEVER to do). On the January 2013, my friends little bundle of joy was born. She had gone to Port Alfred to have her baby so I could not be there for her and I had to wait very patiently for her to get back to Cape Town so I could squish the little monster.

My friend got back a couple of weeks ago and I have heard nothing. Now you can imagine my disappointment. At first I tried to be graceful about it and think about all of the family members that want to see the baby. Then I also thought that she must be tired and just wants to settle into her home with her new baby. Then I thought well now her mom-in-law probably wants to see the cutie all day every day. I have been amazingly patient for a Sagittarius and I am done now. I want to see that kid and do I not have a right to?

I think that there should be a contract between parents and godparents. This contract should state that I should be able to see the thing at least once in my lifetime. It should state that I will be there for birthdays and school plays and that everything that her mother cannot give her, I will be there to give. I want to hold this baby and love it like someone should love another life. I want to know how big she is getting and how she wakes up at 3am every morning for “playtime”. I don’t want to be one of those godparents that never even acknowledges the kid. It is always good having a bigger family with more adult support than just your parents. I was lucky that I had that and I want to give that privilege to my godchildren.

In the process of writing this, I have realised that I need to take it upon myself, to be involved. I need to make a conscious effort to involve her in my life and make sure she grows up having a second mom that she can go to for everything that her mother cannot provide her with. I need to take responsibility to see her, because no one else will do it for me. That is the annoying thing about children: they grow up so quickly, you can blink and they will be old enough to know you are not cool anymore. I plan to make sure I get in as much time while she is little and cute because as she gets older she will probably forget me. And we can’t have that happening…can we?

Ten reasons why it would be great to be a hipster

1.)  Those hipster glasses have a certain thing about them that make all hipsters look like that friendly nerd you were kind of friends with in high school. They must make a lot of friends with strangers this way. There is something cool about the hipster glasses that not everyone could pull off and hipsters do it so well.

2.)  The attitude that nothing matters. Imagine going through life having no cares at all. What are you going to eat for dinner tonight? Whatever is in my cupboard dammit! What are you wearing to dinner on Friday? Whatever is at the top of my laundry pile duh! You smell really good, what deodorant do you use? That’s my soap…

3.)  My clothes budget would be minute every month. Shopping at vintage stores could be extremely expensive but shopping at second hand clothing stores and maybe even stealing jerseys from your grandparent’s collection ensures that you spend mostly nothing on clothes every month. It pays to be the kid that everyone tends to hand his or her cast-offs to.

4.)  Branching off from the minute clothes budget: Non-existent hair budget. How much simpler my life would be if I had my own hair scissors and if I was ok with cutting my own locks. To get an even better result, one should use their kitchen scissors. In the words of hipsters everywhere, “The blunter the better.” That applies to sarcastic comments thrown at family and friends too. That asymmetrical “a five year old just went crazy on my head” style works well with alternative clothes and bottle top glasses.

5.)  People leave you alone. Unless you invite them into conversation of course. If you are walking down the street and someone judges your outfit, even though you know you are wearing the ugliest skirt on the planet, it is your ugly skirt and they can bugger off. You give them a look that only a hipster could achieve that says, “Shove off mate, I do not need to know what you think.”

6.)  It is cooler for you to not own a car; in fact it is cooler for you to not even drive in a car. Carbon emissions and all that jazz being your main subscription to why you do not drive. This could work to your advantage because not only will you spend absolutely no money on fuel, you will not pay for insurance or car services or even to replace parts when your steaming heap of junk decides to give up on life. Another plus to this point is that you can forever be the “drunk friend” in the group as you will never be allocated the designated driver. On that note you will never be that A-hole friend who offers to drive and then gets drunk because you would never offer to drive anyway.

7.)  This would be the best point on my list and my personal favourite, you would never ever take a single step in a pair of crocs. Although hipsters tend to gravitate towards all things ugly, they have managed to get one thing right and this is their saving grace. Crocs are fugly and too fugly even for hipsters.

8.)  If one day you had to decide to get a job, you would be an excellent social media strategist as this is what hipsters do in their spare time is it not? I think if I had to look through all of the pictures uploaded by a hipster on Instagram, I would be old and grey before I reached the end. I may mock but this gives you a huge advantage when you eventually choose to hang up your hemp moccasins and get a job.

9.)  Great taste in music. Sniffing out that completely alternative song that no one has EVER heard of it and it is your favourite song in the whole world. Yeah…that kind of makes you cool.  I will admit to keeping my alternative friends around for one reason and that is so they can find me amazing music at the drop of a hat and I know it would never become commercial or land up on any radio station in the very near future.

10.) The last (and most important) thing that makes hipsters cool has got to be the fact that they do in fact read really good books. When you are a hipster, it becomes cool to get an education in arts, to read classic stories and to be way more educated than your substandard peers. This gives me hope that future generations will not be completely useless. They wil nt typ lyk dis. They will be smart and be able to have a rowsing debate. They will fight for their rights and read novels that do not teenage vampires in them.

Does age really matter?

I don’t know how many women this has happened to but I do know that I have been in this situation before. I also know that many of my friends have been in the same situation. Does age matter when it comes to dating men? Many women go for older men but is it really such a big deal when we go for younger men? More recently my best friend has been seeing this boy (I use boy because he is younger and I have not met him to confirm he is a man just yet) as a friend, things became a bit more complicated when he admitted that he had feelings for her. Even though she wont admit it, I feel that, she is only holding back because of his age. I would like to take this moment and just clarify where I stand on this matter.

I have dated younger guys, they have always been lovely, and they have always been just like every other guy. The moment the age factor comes into play is when their maturity is not up to scratch. You could date a man 20 years older than you but if he still baths with a rubber duckie and calls his mom to say goodnight every evening; he is not going to be very appealing. I don’t think that age should ever factor into a decision when it comes to dating. Maturity is the thing that should be thought about. He may be two years younger than you but he may be the perfect companion for you and you will throw it away because of what people may think of you? It is hard enough finding someone in this life that is decent to you. Don’t throw him away because he is younger.

My great godmother was 85 years when we had a conversation about her boyfriend who she had been dating for 45 years and had never married. He happened to be 17 years younger than her. She got the talk from everyone. People would say that she could be his mother, that he was so much younger and they would tease her that she had a toy boy. Her response? “Yes I could have been his mother but I am not, yes he is my toy-boy but he opens the door for me and that is all I need and yes he is so much younger, but after 60, we all look the same anyway.” She was right and I feel like that last bit applies to us even when we are younger. After 21 years old, we all look the same! Whether we act the same or not, is a completely different story but if he is a couple of years younger than you, it means nothing in the long run. It just means that when you are old and wrinkly, you may the one who gets the few extra wrinkles first. If men can date younger women then women should be allowed to date younger men without having the social stigma attached to their entire relationship that it is doomed from the start.

I think my friend should give this guy a chance. If he is not the one she is meant to be with then she can move on. We are so young and we have our whole lives to find our person. If he happens to be her person, then she wont care what his age is. She will be happy that he is younger, because then the inevitability is that he will stick around for longer.